WHAT I LEARNED FROM DOING AYAHUASCA IN THE COSTA RICAN JUNGLE
Recently I took a month long trip to Costa Rica, my intent was to search for a place to host our international retreats. I ended up participating in an intense experience that taught me a lot of profound lessons. While I made a rather large investment to take part in this ayahuasca experience, it was my decision to not participate after two of the four nights that taught me the most.
The last few years of my life’s journey have involved a lot of searching. Searching for a new place to live, places to teach, community, a partner, and my purpose in life. I’ve dug deeper into self study than I ever have in my entire life. I have committed to daily breath work, long periods of meditation (longer than I ever thought I could do) I dove heavy into ice baths (quite literally), neuroscience, the nervous system and many new layers of learning.
When the opportunity to sit with ayahuasca came up, I had a clear intention. I wanted to let go of lingering doubt about my retreat company being successful, not finding community and a partner. I wanted to let go of judgement of others and to feel a wholeness with all beings on a deeper level. I wanted to feel connected to source, to the divine, to the innate knowingness I have learned about in quantum physics.
I had sat with ayahuasca before and I knew how very challenging it is. Aside from a deeply psychedelic experience, I knew it would push me to places I never looked or was willing to look. I wouldn’t call my experiences before that negative, but they were definitely dark and hard.
Our first night in ceremony I set an intention to be brave. The credo of the retreat center was “don’t think, drink” and so I did. What ensued was a deeply negative experience. I had a full blown schizophrenic episode that involved seeing violent episodes unfolding around me and an overwhelming feeling that life had no purpose, I had no real passions and at it deepest depths that I had entered into a matrix of misery and the sun would never come up. So yeah, not really a heart opening good time =)
The sun did eventually rise and as I came down off of the ayahuasca the overwhelming feeling of peace that came over me was from the thought that I never had to participate in this again. The knowing that all the answers I was seeking were already inside of me.
Since I had made the decision to come to this retreat and had spent a lot of money and energy to get there, the following morning had me wavering on whether I would go back for nights two, three and four.
There was a world renowned shaman leading this experience, someone who we were told was a direct descendant of the ancestors that passed down this tradition. People had come from far and wide to have this experience with this man. Was I supposed to push on through to have my “breakthrough”? Was I simply lacking bravery?
I made the decision to go back for the second night, have a lot less of the ayahuasca than I did the first night, and ease into the experience from a place of feeling.
Within an hour of drinking, I immediately started to have the same sort of reaction I did the first night. I felt out of my body, disconnected from reality and the feeling of oneness I was seeking. I confirmed what I already knew, this simply wasn’t for me.
I’ve researched heavily the science behind plant medicines and I know firsthand people who have had what they describe as immensely healing experiences. I have also seen a pattern where these people begin to enter back into the “real” world and struggle mightily. I don’t doubt that there is healing in these plants and that those who serve them believe deeply in that power. I’m not discrediting that or the emerging science about how it helps those with heavy trauma heal.
Ultimately, for me, my conclusion was that the more I seek outside myself to feel a certain way, to find the answers I’m seeking, the further away from myself and the divine I feel.
On day three I woke up early, did my breath work practices, my meditation, my yoga and even found a cold plunge to hop in. I felt amazing.
As people tried to convince me to come back for the third night, I respectfully declined. Not from a place of judgement of their decision to participate or even to try to convince me to as well, but from a place of knowing that it simply wasn’t for me.
I think in a world where we click a button and things we desire show up at our door (which is amazing btw), there is a downside of applying the same logic to our healing and growth. Unless we really look at ourselves, the thoughts we have, the decisions we make, the company we keep, the food we eat, the way we move our bodies, and that introspection is anchored in practices, we are left searching.
I’m grateful I had the courage NOT to go back to ceremony when a group of 70+ people was participating. I’m grateful for the lesson I learned about my practices and that is really “doing the work” a phrase that gets used a lot in plant medicine.
My purpose became more clear, continue with my practices, walk the walk, and inspire others that this is a path to lasting happiness. Great teachers help immensely, and, you don’t need to buy it, drink it, or assume it exists somewhere you are not. It’s all inside of you if you take the time to look.