THE MOST IMPORTANT WEEK OF MY LIFE
I just finished one the most important week of my entire life. I just attended a week long advanced meditation retreat with one of my heroes, Dr. Joe Dispenza in Denver Colorado. For seven straight days we meditated for 4-8 hours a day, sometimes starting as early as 4am with 1,500 people from 17 different countries.
As I sit in my hotel room reflecting, I’m seeing my flight was just delayed, a typically frustrating occurrence that instead I am feeling infinitely grateful for. In this moment I have the opportunity to really grasp beauty and the work that it takes to stay in the present moment and I felt called to share about my experience.
Just a few weeks ago I was strongly considering flying to Turkey in December because I was waitlisted for this event and Turkey was the next one on the calendar. Right as I was about to book my plane ticket halfway around the world, I got the news I would be attending this event in Denver in just two short weeks.
I went to the event wanting to have no expectations but in my heart of hearts hoping and even sort of expecting to have the best week of my life. I was hoping to have some miraculous breakthrough, a metaphysical awakening, an answer to the negative thoughts that creep up from time to time. I was already imagining coming back with an overwhelming sense of joy and understanding, excited to tell whoever would listen about what an amazing experience it was and how I was forever changed.
I wanted to come back a better teacher, a better leader, a more grounded individual, and while all that is definitely true, there were moments where I just couldn't get out of my own way where I really felt like my thoughts were overwhelming and that I just wasn’t “getting it.” It frustrated and humbled me in ways I didn’t even know I needed. At times I wanted to scream, at times I wanted to leave, but I kept showing up determined to give my absolute best.
Thursday was the most difficult day for me. I didn’t connect at all in our morning meditation, I tried to turn it around in the walking meditation that followed but things just got worse. My mind ran rampant and my body ached despite the fact I walk much further all the time and had no actual injuries. I was just trying to make it to the end and when it was time to lay down, I felt relieved knowing I no longer had to stand only to be greeted by an army of ants that swarmed me once I hit the ground. I laid there thinking, “I actually paid to be here right now.”
Then came a coherence healing meditation where the goal was to deliver help to a person in need. We had pictures of a person facing disease and death and as I stared at this woman’s face I never met, I couldn’t feel love for her like I wanted to. The more I tried, the harder it got. I sat down after feeling defeated and overwhelmed with sadness. It’s my mission in life to try and help people, I teach yoga and run wellness retreats, how could I be so bad at this???
As the misery of Thursday turned into a new opportunity on Friday I decided I was going to let whatever was meant to happen, happen. I was going to set the intent to be positive, present and hopeful but gave myself permission to feel all of my feelings. I was no longer going to “try” and have an experience and reason my way through it. I was going to stay present and let it unfold, and as soon as my mind wandered ahead I would kindly invite myself back to the present moment with love.
Since I had registered off the waitlist for the event I was unable to get a room at the hotel it was being held at and instead was staying about two miles away. Each day I would walk back and forth from the venue, as early as 3am and as late as 9pm. As I walked through the quiet residential neighborhood on this morning, I started pumping myself up and talking to myself as if I was entering an arena for battle. Any person up early to get the newspaper or walk the dog would have thought I was absolutely out of my mind, in a way I most certainly was.
We started meditation at 4am and in the first few moments I felt an immediate feeling of fear, thoughts raced that I would slip back into feeling the same way I did yesterday. I reminded myself I was right here, right now and moved into a deeper level of relaxing my body and fully surrendered. After a few moments I could feel my heart literally open and I focused my attention and energy into that space and feeling as often as I could.
As the meditation ended, Dr. Joe said “it’s eight in the morning” - we had just meditated for four hours. As someone who only a few years ago couldn’t even sit for 15 minutes, I was astounded and I was proud. I experienced a level of peace and self love in those four hours like I’ve never experienced, time stood still.
What really mattered in those series of many little moments that eventually turned into four hours was an overwhelming sense of self acceptance and self love. Many times my mind drifted away but I always brought myself back to the present and to my heart, kindly and with love. When I noticed myself trying to think my way through it, to make something happened, I let go and surrendered a little bit more.
After my Thursday experience I was speaking with a friend who said, “you know someday someone will show up in your life that will be going through what you went through and you will be able to help them from experience.” I often remind myself and say to my students, “there are no mistakes, only learning.”
Some people had magical experiences at the event, healing incredible diseases and experiencing higher states of consciousness and even visions of other dimensions. The work that Dr. Joe and his team are doing to correlate meditation and mindfulness as a cure for disease and depression are nothing short of miraculous.
Personally, I experienced exactly what I needed to experience. I learned about how much work it takes to be truly present and how important it is to love yourself and lead by example. I met people who had been to 11 events, who had been doing this work for over 20 years and yet still showed up, ready to do more. Some of them had the out of body, metaphysical experiences I was craving. I think just a week ago I would have been jealous, now I am nothing but inspired.
As someone who runs retreats of 10-20 people, I was astounded and inspired by the precision of this undertaking. Gathering 1,500 people and teaching them, feeding them, and getting them to connect as one. I was inspired by Dr. Joe and his never ending quest for knowledge, the present moment and helping humans.
The final nail in my coffin bassinet of self love and self acceptance occurred on the final meditation walk of the event. We would finish our walks lying down and as the music faded in my ear buds I sat up realizing Dr. Joe was just a few feet away from me. I was paralyzed between the desire to meet him and hug him conflicting with the desire to not infringe on his space. As more and more people started to gather around him I resigned myself that it just wasn’t my time, maybe I wasn’t even worthy to have a moment with this man.
As one of his assistants began to realize it was becoming a lot, he guided Dr. Joe away from the crowd and straight towards me. I stood up and surrendered, “if this is my time to meet him, it will happen” I thought. Dr. Joe grabbed me into a bear hug and kissed me on the cheek. Tears rolling down my face all I could say was, “thank you” and he replied “you’re so welcome.” For a moment I again felt unworthy and began to let him go thinking “I don’t want to keep him” but he held on to me and then kissed me again. I’ll remember those moments as long as I live.
In meeting so many beautiful people at this event I was really struck by two of the common themes throughout the course of the week which everyone felt, which were the ideas of oneness and the importance of self love. It is so easy to feel unworthy, to feel lack, separation and all the emotions that come with those thoughts.
When we show up for ourselves, when we find places to be still and to connect to our heart space, it opens up infinite possibilities, the greatest of which is probably the ability to love ourselves which in turn allows us to love the world around us. Last week was the most important week of my life and now THIS week is the most important week of my life. Above all I’ve learned we need to stay vigilant in our thoughts and choices and keep chasing the present moment, it’s the only place we are truly free.